Sunday, December 5, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
I Love Love Love Love...
I love love love love love...
My Boyfriend
Because he's super duper amazing
and super duper loving
and handsome
and I wanna Kiss him
and hold him
because he's a really great boyfriend.:)
i love you bee!
My Boyfriend
Because he's super duper amazing
and super duper loving
and handsome
and I wanna Kiss him
and hold him
because he's a really great boyfriend.:)
i love you bee!
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Down.
I dont know how to start this...
I just know that somehow, someway I messed you up again...
My voice is shaking in fear for what Ive done...
I know crying isnt the answer, and I sound like maxwell
but I Just...somehow forgot about it all..
soomehow thought u trusted me,
somehow thought I changed...
Im just..so sick for being this mad
All I wanna do is take it out on myself..
and I wont...
I just.. I feel like crap.for being so bad...
I'll just go..:(
I just know that somehow, someway I messed you up again...
My voice is shaking in fear for what Ive done...
I know crying isnt the answer, and I sound like maxwell
but I Just...somehow forgot about it all..
soomehow thought u trusted me,
somehow thought I changed...
Im just..so sick for being this mad
All I wanna do is take it out on myself..
and I wont...
I just.. I feel like crap.for being so bad...
I'll just go..:(
Thursday, May 27, 2010
So. I became this big fat whore.
WHORE:–noun
1.a woman who engages in promiscuous sexual intercourse, usually for money; prostitute; harlot; strumpet.
I feel like the last three days, have wiped every ache of happiness I've experienced and soaked it in hate. It's just all happy-happy now... "be happy" "please"
But How can I be?
I feel like just a emotional failure, I feel as though I failed,
and as selfish as I am, I failed myself the most..
Maybe the reason you didn't think I loved you.. was because.. I never rlly opened up..
I dont open up.
I dont like to.
Inside of me I lovd you, but on the outside.. I wasn't showing it.
ALl I want now is to be that frilly-silly-willy freak who will jump around and be a werido
and not care..
I'm so sick of this show, I put on..
I want to be the one you adore,
the one u want in your arms..
the one you dream of..
not the one you despise.
Ihaven'tcriedyet
I've taken every measure
not to
not to break down
not to show how much this is getting ot me.
I just want to be your princess
not your fake ugly whore...
I can name everything I miss:
~You whispering in my ear
~You knowing my every reaction
~You knowing how to make me happy
~Your kisses
~Your long hugs
~When you'd look me in the eyes
~You saying I love you
~Hanging out
~Just talking.
~You making me feel good about evrythng i did
...Us being happy..
As one..
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
1 day until 8 months
I know I haven't posted in a while.
Idk if It's because I've been so overwhelmingly somewhat stressed or I'm just too lazy, but my neglect of this blog has already affected my polyvore buddies.
I don't really know what to write, so I'll write about my day.
Wednesday February 3, 2010
Woke up; 6:35ish got dressed while singing and dancing to stupid music, my dad walked in on me 3 times, third time wanting to borrow money.
Then I waited for James to call me. Waited until 7:13 when I realized he wasn't gunna call and I had to get the bus.
7:15
On my brothers computer, discover more PORN PORN PORN from my dad and something about him wanting to cheat with other women, very upset.
7:30
On the bus with Joesph, My brother was sitting the back, which is good. I told Joesph about what me and James did, a bit and went into details. We talked about it for the 15 mins and my bus driver problaby thought I was physco.
7:39:
In the High school, in the cafertina, still upset about the porn, waiting for James to come.
7;45 - 8:07: With James and Maxwell, in the cafertina, just joking about stupid stuff, hugging and kissing James over and over.
8;09- 9:35 Science
Nothing exciting, expect my science teachers nerdiness it's so funny yet adorable. I mean it's weird because he's a grown man, but he talks about how he goes home to his parents and his mommy makes him brownies. Sitting in class, boring, the boy next to me wasn't there, which is good and bad.
Good: More space
Bad: The girl across from me (Julie) has BO issues.
9:35-9:39
See James and Maxwell
it's freezing out, there's snow on the ground, but not enough to make a difference.
9:39-10:18
Mathhh,with james had a test today.
It was fine, besides the fact my chair was like squeking, and when I pushed my chair out everyone heard the GRRRhhdvyi noise it made.
I actucally think I did good though...
10:18- 10:22
Walk with James to his locker and then off to commons.
10:22-10:31
In commons, getting ingorned a bit.
Not fun, I text James.
10:31- 10"35
Walk with James near Italian and we depart :{
10:35-11:15
Italian
Period goes on forever
Jeanette pisses me off in the beginning so I got quiet, and started tuning everyone out.
and I get in trouble for not behaving
I ingorned my teacher too for a while..
I just didn't wanna talk... because anytime I did my accent wasnt good enough or my speech was off, and a roar of snickering would outburst from the back.
I had to stay after class to be spoken to.
11:15-11:17
Talking with il Italian professor
Got yelled out because I've been so quiet last 2 days (only 5 kids in the class, i'm one of the few who tries a bit)
I ended up making a excuse that I was sick, did a fake cough
and left
I wasn't gunna explain that I was being bullied by the class
being haressed
esspecially by Jeanette....
11:19-12:35 Double off with JAMES
<3 amazing.
Thats all I can say..
he was so sweet.
expect he got horny x]
it's okay though. I figured, I was being rlly touchy and giving alot of hugs.
Maxwell seemed to get a kick outta it.
12:39- 2:10
Double English
Had a social class instead of being lectured
It was all this hand raising stuff that was like "Have you ever been hurt.." this and that
I excluded myself from this circle, call me a attendian whore
But I hate my english teacher, he's screwed me too many times...
we don't learn ANYTHING at all!! but anyways back to my story.
uhmm so we all told stories (not me, I'm the quiet one)
And he started talking bout the social people
and these 5 catorgies people fall in,
staring at every person that fell in that place.
When he said outsider he stared at me..
I felt so sick... though
not just for being the outsider/loner... but for thinking about all the terrible terrible terrible things I've experienced or did...
I had lost myself completely..
Next was this trust excerise where we had to pick someone we didn't know
and I was just gunna leave at that point..not even try to play along
But some other girl named Kaitlyn (total wannabe no joke) attached herslef to me and started shounting "THE TWO CAITLIN'S ARE PARTNERS"
we had to talk about
~Family members
~Full name
~Favorite dessert
~what we wanted to be when we were little.
We did this and then she left me, so I stood alone.
being the loner I was...
and played anixously with my phone...hoping James would text me....
2:14-2:55
Global
Got a major project... oh joyyy.
2:55-2:57
With james, saying goodbye for the day until we get home..
I get my kiss and go.
2:57-3:10
In the car with my dad going to my babysitting job 10 mintues away..oh joy.
3:13-4:42
Babysitting
being called a bitch and selfish by a 8 year old
Oh how my confidence is doing.
4:42-4:46
In the car with the women I babysit for and the boy
she finds out that he's been being mean to me and gets a full on lecture
in the car with me... when it's not right to abuse babysitters.
4:50 Home
Nicholas is home alone (he's 11)
Sit on the couch for a while.
think and text
Sorry this made no sense..
but I hope you liked!
xox
Caitlin
comments/concerns?
Idk if It's because I've been so overwhelmingly somewhat stressed or I'm just too lazy, but my neglect of this blog has already affected my polyvore buddies.
I don't really know what to write, so I'll write about my day.
Wednesday February 3, 2010
Woke up; 6:35ish got dressed while singing and dancing to stupid music, my dad walked in on me 3 times, third time wanting to borrow money.
Then I waited for James to call me. Waited until 7:13 when I realized he wasn't gunna call and I had to get the bus.
7:15
On my brothers computer, discover more PORN PORN PORN from my dad and something about him wanting to cheat with other women, very upset.
7:30
On the bus with Joesph, My brother was sitting the back, which is good. I told Joesph about what me and James did, a bit and went into details. We talked about it for the 15 mins and my bus driver problaby thought I was physco.
7:39:
In the High school, in the cafertina, still upset about the porn, waiting for James to come.
7;45 - 8:07: With James and Maxwell, in the cafertina, just joking about stupid stuff, hugging and kissing James over and over.
8;09- 9:35 Science
Nothing exciting, expect my science teachers nerdiness it's so funny yet adorable. I mean it's weird because he's a grown man, but he talks about how he goes home to his parents and his mommy makes him brownies. Sitting in class, boring, the boy next to me wasn't there, which is good and bad.
Good: More space
Bad: The girl across from me (Julie) has BO issues.
9:35-9:39
See James and Maxwell
it's freezing out, there's snow on the ground, but not enough to make a difference.
9:39-10:18
Mathhh,with james had a test today.
It was fine, besides the fact my chair was like squeking, and when I pushed my chair out everyone heard the GRRRhhdvyi noise it made.
I actucally think I did good though...
10:18- 10:22
Walk with James to his locker and then off to commons.
10:22-10:31
In commons, getting ingorned a bit.
Not fun, I text James.
10:31- 10"35
Walk with James near Italian and we depart :{
10:35-11:15
Italian
Period goes on forever
Jeanette pisses me off in the beginning so I got quiet, and started tuning everyone out.
and I get in trouble for not behaving
I ingorned my teacher too for a while..
I just didn't wanna talk... because anytime I did my accent wasnt good enough or my speech was off, and a roar of snickering would outburst from the back.
I had to stay after class to be spoken to.
11:15-11:17
Talking with il Italian professor
Got yelled out because I've been so quiet last 2 days (only 5 kids in the class, i'm one of the few who tries a bit)
I ended up making a excuse that I was sick, did a fake cough
and left
I wasn't gunna explain that I was being bullied by the class
being haressed
esspecially by Jeanette....
11:19-12:35 Double off with JAMES
<3 amazing.
Thats all I can say..
he was so sweet.
expect he got horny x]
it's okay though. I figured, I was being rlly touchy and giving alot of hugs.
Maxwell seemed to get a kick outta it.
12:39- 2:10
Double English
Had a social class instead of being lectured
It was all this hand raising stuff that was like "Have you ever been hurt.." this and that
I excluded myself from this circle, call me a attendian whore
But I hate my english teacher, he's screwed me too many times...
we don't learn ANYTHING at all!! but anyways back to my story.
uhmm so we all told stories (not me, I'm the quiet one)
And he started talking bout the social people
and these 5 catorgies people fall in,
staring at every person that fell in that place.
When he said outsider he stared at me..
I felt so sick... though
not just for being the outsider/loner... but for thinking about all the terrible terrible terrible things I've experienced or did...
I had lost myself completely..
Next was this trust excerise where we had to pick someone we didn't know
and I was just gunna leave at that point..not even try to play along
But some other girl named Kaitlyn (total wannabe no joke) attached herslef to me and started shounting "THE TWO CAITLIN'S ARE PARTNERS"
we had to talk about
~Family members
~Full name
~Favorite dessert
~what we wanted to be when we were little.
We did this and then she left me, so I stood alone.
being the loner I was...
and played anixously with my phone...hoping James would text me....
2:14-2:55
Global
Got a major project... oh joyyy.
2:55-2:57
With james, saying goodbye for the day until we get home..
I get my kiss and go.
2:57-3:10
In the car with my dad going to my babysitting job 10 mintues away..oh joy.
3:13-4:42
Babysitting
being called a bitch and selfish by a 8 year old
Oh how my confidence is doing.
4:42-4:46
In the car with the women I babysit for and the boy
she finds out that he's been being mean to me and gets a full on lecture
in the car with me... when it's not right to abuse babysitters.
4:50 Home
Nicholas is home alone (he's 11)
Sit on the couch for a while.
think and text
Sorry this made no sense..
but I hope you liked!
xox
Caitlin
comments/concerns?
Monday, January 18, 2010
Winnie the Pooh Day♥
So happy Monday again and Happy Martin luther day.
It also happen's to be Winnie the pooh day :D
Hoorah.
I'm not really sure what I should even really write about. I'm going to try to write everyday, but who even knows if thats going to happen...consdiering I've already run out of ideas to write about on the third post.
Aleast there's school tomorrow, I don't think I can deal another day being locked up in my room all day on the phone with my parents complaining "come downsatirs"
Not that I don't like being on the phone... I do.
I just wish I could get out more... like with James of course...
I dont know, like have little excitement, somthing that can form into a meomery (oh god my speeliing is horrible)
Two weeks ago we went to the communtity center just walking from the school and honestly it's sad to say it was one of the more exciting moment's i ever endured.
Just getting lost for a while, and crossing the train tracks... walking alone in the dark... It wasn't just the kissing... (not that, that wasn't exicting..it was)
But just the feeling of being out... The fact that nobody but us knew where we were.
I don't know, somtimes I just want to go anywhere.
even if it's as stupid as a library or the school courtyard.
I just want to get lost...
be exicted...
Sorry if that didn't make sense, because I bet it didnt.
James isn't answering any of my messages, and I really should write somthing about him... I just cant even process my thought's right now.
Hopefully he knows i love him... even though I could never write my feelings out as goregous as he can...
I still feel terrible that I got him sick... I should be protecting/helping not making matter's worse as I am.
I miss him so much...
I'm even wearing the sweater that he...
well I guess i should explain since this is the "Secret life of the Polyvore Painter"
If you're under 14/15 please skip until u see **********************
I'm taking a deep breath before even writing this.
As you guy's know me and james have been dating for...uhm 7 almost 8 months.
And last month we fianlly talked about what we thought of sex as... like should we do it? should we wait? what can we do?
And since I didn't know what half the sex terms meant... it went into mostly explaining, alot of explaining.
And i could problby go into every little ocurrence of steps to what happened.
I felt his.. on my leg, the time we talked about on the phone for like 2 hours straight...etc,.
But long story short i let him borrow my sweater for the night.. and we ended up having him jackoff into it.
now you're problaby thinking OMG EW.
no it wasn't like that.
it was washed.
and it's not that bad.
Just understand it was because of love, nothing sexual.
we're not immature.
******************************************
So anyways, Happy Winnie the Pooh day.
I loved how such a innocent title had such dirty things inside.
Well, you problaby dont think of me the same... right? x]
love.
Caitlim♥
It also happen's to be Winnie the pooh day :D
Hoorah.
I'm not really sure what I should even really write about. I'm going to try to write everyday, but who even knows if thats going to happen...consdiering I've already run out of ideas to write about on the third post.
Aleast there's school tomorrow, I don't think I can deal another day being locked up in my room all day on the phone with my parents complaining "come downsatirs"
Not that I don't like being on the phone... I do.
I just wish I could get out more... like with James of course...
I dont know, like have little excitement, somthing that can form into a meomery (oh god my speeliing is horrible)
Two weeks ago we went to the communtity center just walking from the school and honestly it's sad to say it was one of the more exciting moment's i ever endured.
Just getting lost for a while, and crossing the train tracks... walking alone in the dark... It wasn't just the kissing... (not that, that wasn't exicting..it was)
But just the feeling of being out... The fact that nobody but us knew where we were.
I don't know, somtimes I just want to go anywhere.
even if it's as stupid as a library or the school courtyard.
I just want to get lost...
be exicted...
Sorry if that didn't make sense, because I bet it didnt.
James isn't answering any of my messages, and I really should write somthing about him... I just cant even process my thought's right now.
Hopefully he knows i love him... even though I could never write my feelings out as goregous as he can...
I still feel terrible that I got him sick... I should be protecting/helping not making matter's worse as I am.
I miss him so much...
I'm even wearing the sweater that he...
well I guess i should explain since this is the "Secret life of the Polyvore Painter"
If you're under 14/15 please skip until u see **********************
I'm taking a deep breath before even writing this.
As you guy's know me and james have been dating for...uhm 7 almost 8 months.
And last month we fianlly talked about what we thought of sex as... like should we do it? should we wait? what can we do?
And since I didn't know what half the sex terms meant... it went into mostly explaining, alot of explaining.
And i could problby go into every little ocurrence of steps to what happened.
I felt his.. on my leg, the time we talked about on the phone for like 2 hours straight...etc,.
But long story short i let him borrow my sweater for the night.. and we ended up having him jackoff into it.
now you're problaby thinking OMG EW.
no it wasn't like that.
it was washed.
and it's not that bad.
Just understand it was because of love, nothing sexual.
we're not immature.
******************************************
So anyways, Happy Winnie the Pooh day.
I loved how such a innocent title had such dirty things inside.
Well, you problaby dont think of me the same... right? x]
love.
Caitlim♥
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Happy Sunday's to Mondays
Happy Sundayyy:D 11:57pm
I can't believe how fast today went, aleast we get off from la schooolio tomorrow. I still have alot of homework to make up though, but aleast if I get honors my dad will stop with this st. Anthony's stuff. I should problaby explain what happend.
Last Thursday I texted my dad after crying from cramps and being uncomforable to come bring me advil or somthing and like a small snack so wouldnt get dizzy from it.
While he was on his way my mum texted me saying that they had recieved a progress report card from the High school saying that I was failing 3 of my 6 classes?
So of course I start to freak out, knowing that he's going to yell at me, but when he pulled up to the school he looked as if he was crying and had even bought me a boston creme doughnut from dunkin donuts. I was so confused, I rejected the doughnut took the advil and went back into the school.
Later that day right before gym when we were in the locker room he started sending me text messages that were like "are you coming on the bus?"
and "come home asap"
I honestly had thought someone died.
But when I walked in my dad stood there and said "Okay lets go to the gym"
I started to explain I had to change into Gym clothes and he grew angry
the rest of my family stood there perfect grins on their face,... they knew what was happening.
But being clueless i got dressed and got into the car.
We were only 10/15 mins from the house at the gas station when he dropped it on me
that he knew that I had been dating James for a while.
He went onto my facebook and found out I was recieving threats from kids at school.
He explained that we werent going to the gym...
we were going to take a tour of st, anythonys, a Catholic High school 15 miles away.
I burst into tears instantly of course.
The tour was horrid, but pretending to like it was the only way to end the 2 hour tour of the 3 story school.
It's not sunday and he's still talking bout the school.
But I dont want to go.
No.
I have james... and... and...well...nobody
but thats not the point.
ugh
why
does
life
suck
somtimes?
i dont know yet
hopefuilly i wont go.
*prays*
But it's my dad... so I'm inferring that I'm not going to go.
I really cant leave him... ugh
but anytime he's not around I feel like snapping in half and burning to nothing.
ughhhhh.
xox
Caitlin
sorry for that ramble
Happy Monday 12;13 am
I can't believe how fast today went, aleast we get off from la schooolio tomorrow. I still have alot of homework to make up though, but aleast if I get honors my dad will stop with this st. Anthony's stuff. I should problaby explain what happend.
Last Thursday I texted my dad after crying from cramps and being uncomforable to come bring me advil or somthing and like a small snack so wouldnt get dizzy from it.
While he was on his way my mum texted me saying that they had recieved a progress report card from the High school saying that I was failing 3 of my 6 classes?
So of course I start to freak out, knowing that he's going to yell at me, but when he pulled up to the school he looked as if he was crying and had even bought me a boston creme doughnut from dunkin donuts. I was so confused, I rejected the doughnut took the advil and went back into the school.
Later that day right before gym when we were in the locker room he started sending me text messages that were like "are you coming on the bus?"
and "come home asap"
I honestly had thought someone died.
But when I walked in my dad stood there and said "Okay lets go to the gym"
I started to explain I had to change into Gym clothes and he grew angry
the rest of my family stood there perfect grins on their face,... they knew what was happening.
But being clueless i got dressed and got into the car.
We were only 10/15 mins from the house at the gas station when he dropped it on me
that he knew that I had been dating James for a while.
He went onto my facebook and found out I was recieving threats from kids at school.
He explained that we werent going to the gym...
we were going to take a tour of st, anythonys, a Catholic High school 15 miles away.
I burst into tears instantly of course.
The tour was horrid, but pretending to like it was the only way to end the 2 hour tour of the 3 story school.
It's not sunday and he's still talking bout the school.
But I dont want to go.
No.
I have james... and... and...well...nobody
but thats not the point.
ugh
why
does
life
suck
somtimes?
i dont know yet
hopefuilly i wont go.
*prays*
But it's my dad... so I'm inferring that I'm not going to go.
I really cant leave him... ugh
but anytime he's not around I feel like snapping in half and burning to nothing.
ughhhhh.
xox
Caitlin
sorry for that ramble
Happy Monday 12;13 am
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